When My Hearts Needs to Seek

“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. (Matthew 7:7-11) I don’t know about you, but this gets hard for me. Keep asking and keep seeking… but for how long? Is there a time we just assume God is saying "no" and walk away? Or does He always make His “no’s” obvious? I’ll be honest, there are times when part of me wishes that God would release me from a dream or a prayer because it’s taking too long. Sometimes I ask God is the waiting worth it? Is the asking and the knocking worth it? And to be honest, today, May 3, 2016 personally it doesn’t feel like it is. There is nothing in me that wants to ask again; nothing that wants to wait and hold on to the dreams God has put in my heart. It seems as if there are things I’ve been praying for and waiting for for so long that I’ve forgotten why I’m waiting for them. I’ve asked a thousand times and in all my seeking to the best of my understanding my heart is lining up with His and these are the prayers He given me.

But after a while of hoping and praying and seeking my heart just goes numb. And then I remember how C.S. Lewis put it in Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer “I’m not at all surprised by your feeling flattened rather than joyful. That isn’t ingratitude. It’s only exhaustion… The body (bless it) will not continue indefinitely supplying us with the physical media of emotion.” The body will not continue to supply me with the physical media of emotion… I’m not alone in my numbness, it’s just a part of the process. And even though there’s a place that wants to just say “screw it” and walk away, deep down in my knower I still believe God loves me and has a plan for me. And all I can do now is go back to the last thing I remember Him telling me. Go back to the last thing He put on my heart to pray for. The last dream He gave me. And even though it seems impossible, He is the God of the impossible, isn’t He? I guess that’s where the seeking comes in. I’ve asked, I’ve knocked and I’ve sought, but I think in moments when there are no feelings of faith, I must seek again. After all, my heart isn’t seeking the dream or the promise or the answered prayer request, but it’s instead it’s really seeking Him… The things He gives me are amazing and His provision for all I need and so much of what I want are amazing, but they’re nothing without Jesus Himself. So I need to remember to make time to go to Him without an agenda. I need to remember that my heart is frustrated by the lack of feelings of hope and faith but those feelings aren’t really what my heart needs. My heart needs to feel connected to the God of the universe, to the One Who Loves Me Most and the one who never has given up on me. My heart needs to feel connected to the Dream Giver not the dream. So in my wondering if I should seek the answer to my prayer, my heart is reminded I need to seek Him: the real Answer. And He is the perfect father. My earthly dad wouldn’t trick me and withhold his affection and gifts from me for no reason so my perfect Heavenly Father surely wouldn’t. I used to unconsciously think God kept things complicated on purpose. I thought things weren’t clear so I was forced to try and figure things out. Almost as if it was for His amusement. But how awful would that make him? What kind of prick does that to their kid? No, I think things remain hidden and unclear to use for many reasons; reasons our tiny little brains couldn’t fathom. He knows, for me at least, not seeing the whole picture and having to wait takes me back to His heart. It keeps me leaning in to Him more and more. I’m told to seek because I need to seek. I hate it, but my heart is still in a place where it needs a motivation to seek the heart of God. There are times, amazing times, when my heart seeks Him because it wants to. When I have feelings of love and faith and hope and confidence in His will for me. But then there are times like today when I feel numb. When I don’t feel like seeking Him. But I remember in the past He has been faithful and He is faithful. I remember who He is and as I open up my Bible today and read that He is telling me to seek, I choose to seek. I will seek the heart of The God who created me. I will seek to know Him better. I want to know even more what grieves His heart and what makes Him laugh. I will seek Him, not for what He can give me, but because of who He is. Because of what He has already given me. Because of Him I am free. Because of Him I no longer see life through a lens of shame and fear of rejection no longer rules my decisions. Because of Him I can take a compliment and not because I think someone is saying it out of pity, but believe them. Because of Him fear has no place in my life and I can enjoy the unknown. After all, it’s in the unknown where the adventure lies. And because of Him I know I have a story to tell and because of what He has done in my life, I know that He will use me in the lives of others to help share His story of freedom. And as I remember what He has done, my heart no longer needs to feel like asking because I remember that my faith and my love is not based on a feeling. Oh there are so many wonderful feelings involved but in the times of numbness I have something better to hold on to. The Truth of who He is. So I will ask. I will seek. I will knock knowing He is the one opening the doors for me because He is The Perfect Father.